Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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