i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
