Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
