I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize