I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You are the jesus of drinking
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
