I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
