I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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