Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
