Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize