those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
