Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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