once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
