I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
