YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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