but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
