Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
