unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
