my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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