So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
