Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
