it was like his penis was on wheels.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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