She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She bit a glass in half.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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