alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
