Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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