i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
