I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
