Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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