Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
