Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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