im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
