i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
