You're my little dorito
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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