...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize