Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
is wine microwaveable?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
