my being single is dangerous.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
