The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Shame - the story of my life.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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