dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
