dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
