Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
