I can text with my tongue
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
