I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
