How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
