her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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