I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
