That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
