pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
