If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
