I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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