idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
