dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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