I hope mine doesn't look like that
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
