what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
