just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
