Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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