I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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