I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
