i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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