I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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