dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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