You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
