I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
