2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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