living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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